There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
tell me about the eggs
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
