I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
