why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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