Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
