My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
