i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
