Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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