Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
