all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
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