This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
