Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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