Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
