My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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