Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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