i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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