So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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