Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
