I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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