were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
