I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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