.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
