Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
