I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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