I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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