why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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