3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
