please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
