i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize
