I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
