moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
