I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
