I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
