i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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