just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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