Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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