so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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