My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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