I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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