It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
