i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
