apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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