I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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