you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
