the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Randomize
