kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So many bounce houses so little time
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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