I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
