my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
