I want you more than these girls want KFC
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
