I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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