after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
