I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize